I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
