I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
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