The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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