My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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