Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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