weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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