Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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