mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
