I think I died a long time ago.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
