I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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