i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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