Kiss
Puke
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
