Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
