I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
