A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My vagina is officially offended.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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