Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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