After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
