Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Randomize
