seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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