He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
