girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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