I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Every concussion has its silver lining
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
