I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
