could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
