Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
