All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
