and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
this is an emotional support booty call
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
