Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
