It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
