This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
