the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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