What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
