I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
