My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
