there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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