You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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