i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
