I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
