I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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