I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
