I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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