I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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