i don't like sucking hair
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
