Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
