Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
