I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
