im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The Olympian is in my bed
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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