giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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