nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
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