You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
