so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Two words: blizzard sex
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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