Soap is not a condiment
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
