..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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