i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
