so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
